This afternoon has been difficult and I don’t know why. This morning was a wonderful – my first session teaching Qigong to a group of friends, then some tea and cookies. We had pleasant conversation, an appropriate interlude with Zia, and then they left. I straightened up and put things back where they belonged. Then a few minutes with Erin and some lunch. And then …. There was nothing that I had to do. I was tired, and chilly, so I decided I would take a nap. I laid down with a down throw and was almost immediately in tears! What happened? Where did they come from?
I was cold and I was thinking that Bob was always warm and snuggling beside him on the sofa would be nice. And his hands were always warm. And I wanted him here! And this is just a day and a half after reading some wonderful prayers and focusing on “I will be a happy and joyful being” and “I will chafe no more at my lot.” I was busy and tears felt far away. I wondered if this was this the turning point, the point where I would not be crying at the drop of a hat! I thought it might be. That was dashed this afternoon.
Figuring out how to be a “happy and joyful being” and crying pretty regularly is confusing! My logical mind wants this to all make sense and to fit into some kind of pattern. Interesting all of the women here this morning were single, two officially divorced, one unofficially divorced, and me, widowed. I don’t have a “living alone” plan. And getting one is a bit thwarted by living with Erin, Vafa, and Zia. But I need one. I need some sense of how I am going to survive, especially when my dear friend moves away. We have been really important to each other for the past 10 months. I am sure there is a wisdom in her moving (the wisdom for her is clear, it is the wisdom for me that I am less certain about). Right now it escapes me.
I think what started this was that I have this afternoon and evening with nothing scheduled and nothing on a to do list. That seldom happens. I feel a bit lost. Lying down to take a nap only intensified that. I quickly felt that I had to get up or I would just melt into a pile of tears – and I am so tired of tears! I don’t like this hole in my life. I know good is going to come from it, but it just hurts. Sometimes it feels like it isn’t getting better. But, that isn’t true. I have not had the heart wrenching crying with my arms covering my head for a few months now. Usually the tears are short lived. This evening they are sticking around a little longer. Maybe I need them in order to move on to the next phase. It sure would be nice to know what the next phase was. And how long this lost feeling is going to last!
It isn’t really a lost feeling. I have lots of things that I am doing. I have responsibilities that I am meeting. I have things I get excited about. I am financially OK. I have a Faith that is pretty firm – thank God!! What I don’t have is someone who I can be totally honest with and who will be there regardless of what I say or fear, who will just hug me when I cry, who will be there to do what needs to be done and to reassure me that everything will be OK. It is hard to do those things for myself – especially the hugging part. I really miss hugs.
I just read a book of short “stories” about people – really short, like a paragraph long. One was a woman who “One day, without remorse, without regret, the symbol of unity and all that had been, gave way to all that is and will be….” took her ring off. That touched me. I took my wedding band off on our anniversary (about six months after Bob died). It changed hands and was joined with his ring the day after he died, but they both came off and went into a drawer on our anniversary. I replaced it with a new ring that represented my new commitment to Bob. Is that “all that is and will be”? I don’t think so. When I put the new ring on I had no intention of having it be a forever ring. My wedding band was a forever ring. So, now, only three and half months after putting on the new ring, I am wondering how long it will be on my finger. All that is and will be – does my finger need to be naked for a bit to ponder what is and will be? Do I need to do that for a bit and have my thinking unfettered by Bob? My commitment to him will not change, but do I need to start feeling what it is like to not have that constant physical remembrance of him? There is NO possibility of forgetting him, but is the ring a physical anchor that is holding me back from something? I look at it often and think about our current connection. The purpose of the ring was to help me figure out what that connection was. Have I figured that out and now need to take off the physical reminder? We are about one month from the one year anniversary of his death and he has given me a wonderful gift for that anniversary. I wonder if that is when the ring is supposed to come off.