Whose Circle Is It?  As I have been working to create a new life since Bob died, this question and some of its corollaries have been on my mind.  After a partner dies it is so easy to feel not whole.  The other day I read a better image.  The gist of the article was that in a strong marriage both partners focus on their commonalities.  Neither one is lost in the other, but the focus is on the areas that are common.  Both continue to be whole, even as they have a common focus.

I think that is what many, if not most, successful marriages do.  It is certainly what Bob and I did.  We were each whole people and we chose to do the things that we enjoyed together.  Occasionally we would each make a brief foray into the other’s circle and we would often do something alone in our own circle.  But most of the time we were together in the common area.  Over time that common area grew a great deal, but the individual areas did not go away; I don’t think that they shrank either.  I think they went into storage for retrieval as needed.  Over time our two interlocking circles almost looked like three circles because the one in the middle representing us grew as we grew.  And each partial outer circle representing each of us as individuals was still there and still full.

After Bob died the common area was less attractive for me, much of it was painful.  All of the things in that area carried wonderful memories – of things that could not be again because we were no longer us; I was me.  I had not lost my own circle during our marriage but it was certainly not practiced.  In fact only 22 of my years were in my area (birth to 22).  The next 47 were in our marriage.  I was never really solely in my own circle as an adult.  Much of what was in it were ideas partially formed, preferences that were not fully defined, talents undiscovered or only hinted at.  The past several months have been spent poking around in my circle to see what’s there, what I like, who I am.

Who knew that being a Qigong instructor and a writer were in there?  I am beginning to think that my fashion sense (that sounds much too formal) is in there and never made it into our area.  It is starting to emerge.  Dancing is also in there and I am trying to figure out how to get it developed without moving my feet too much.  Playfulness is also in there and looking for appropriate accomplices.  I have channeled much of my playfulness into playing with my kids and grandkids with pillow forts, fantastical stories, puppets, and other make believe.  How does an adult use that with other adults?  All of that is in my area and isn’t as yet well formed.  Sometimes it feels like a a jungle safari to explore my circle.

Our area is still there and available for me to pick and choose from.  I think I still need some distance from part it.  I know some things I don’t want to lose and some I am questioning if I want to keep.  Time will help the selection process.

What about the circle that was Bob’s?  One of my sorrows is how little I knew about some parts of his circle.  Some parts of it were well known and figuring out how to deal with them still causes great heartache.  How do I dismantle a wood working shop that was his great love?  Or do I?  How do I keep it from becoming a dusty memorial that does nothing positive and only brings sadness when I venture into it?  I look at the shop wall that has over a hundred cans and jars neatly arranged with nails, screw, bolts, nuts, hinges, and God knows what else.  Some of the cans and jars are from Erin’s baby formula and food; Erin is 33.  What do you do with that?

Well, that is another post, another topic.  This post is about exploring my circle, not Bob’s circle.  And it is a reminder to learn more about the circles of others I care about.  And to let them know more about my circle.

Whose Circle Is It?  As I have been working to create a new life since Bob died, this question and some of its corollaries have been on my mind.  After a partner dies it is so easy to feel not whole.  The other day I read a better image.  The gist of the article was that in a strong marriage both partners focus on their commonalities.  Neither one is lost in the other, but the focus is on the areas that are common.  Both continue to be whole, even as they have a common focus.

I think that is what many, if not most, successful marriages do.  It is certainly what Bob and I did.  We were each whole people and we chose to do the things that we enjoyed together.  Occasionally we would each make a brief foray into the other’s circle and we would often do something alone in our own circle.  But most of the time we were together in the common area.  Over time that common area grew a great deal, but the individual areas did not go away; I don’t think that they shrank either.  I think they went into storage for retrieval as needed.  Over time our two interlocking circles almost looked like three circles because the one in the middle representing us grew as we grew.  And each partial outer circle representing each of us as individuals was still there and still full.

After Bob died the common area was less attractive for me, much of it was painful.  All of the things in that area carried wonderful memories – of things that could not be again because we were no longer us; I was me.  I had not lost my own circle during our marriage but it was certainly not practiced.  In fact only 22 of my years were in my area (birth to 22).  The next 47 were in our marriage.  I was never really solely in my own circle as an adult.  Much of what was in it were ideas partially formed, preferences that were not fully defined, talents undiscovered or only hinted at.  The past several months have been spent poking around in my circle to see what’s there, what I like, who I am.

Who knew that being a Qigong instructor and a writer were in there?  I am beginning to think that my fashion sense (that sounds much too formal) is in there and never made it into our area.  It is starting to emerge.  Dancing is also in there and I am trying to figure out how to get it developed without moving my feet too much.  Playfulness is also in there and looking for appropriate accomplices.  I have channeled much of my playfulness into playing with my kids and grandkids with pillow forts, fantastical stories, puppets, and other make believe.  How does an adult use that with other adults?  All of that is in my area and isn’t as yet well formed.  Sometimes it feels like a a jungle safari to explore my circle.

Our area is still there and available for me to pick and choose from.  I think I still need some distance from part it.  I know some things I don’t want to lose and some I am questioning if I want to keep.  Time will help the selection process.

What about the circle that was Bob’s?  One of my sorrows is how little I knew about some parts of his circle.  Some parts of it were well known and figuring out how to deal with them still causes great heartache.  How do I dismantle a wood working shop that was his great love?  Or do I?  How do I keep it from becoming a dusty memorial that does nothing positive a
nd only brings sadness when I venture into it?  I look at the shop wall that has over a hundred cans and jars neatly arranged with nails, screw, bolts, nuts, hinges, and God knows what else.  Some of the cans and jars are from Erin’s baby formula and food; Erin is 33.  What do you do with that?

Well, that is another post, another topic.  This post is about exploring my circle, not Bob’s circle.  And it is a reminder to learn more about the circles of others I care about.  And to let them know more about my circle.