This grief stuff is weird. I’ve just passed the 17 month point since Bob died and usually life is easier. I have lots of days that have lots of joy in them; and lots that have lots of tears. And it is so inconsistent.
I am enjoying writing and teaching Qigong classes in my new life. I feel as if I am on the cusp of a new pattern of living. I can’t quite see it, but I have fleeting glimpses of it and it is quite pleasing. And then I worry if that is being disloyal. And then I think, of course, not! I sometimes feel like a ping pong ball!
Every so often I have to deal with pictures of Bob – actual photos or pictures in my head. Pictures are around my rooms and on my computer and they usually simply elicit a smile from me – a comfort that he is near. But then, Wham! I “see” Bob lying on the porch after he died. That always stops me. It is so hard to believe that this all has really happened. Or I can be reading or working on the computer and I see his picture and I just stop – the same feeling – has it really been 17 months since I have seen you or touched you?
At other times I can come home from teaching Qigong and writing between classes at a local coffee shop and be greeted by the 2 1/2 year old with squeals of joy, and we go build a blanket fort. The world feels full of happiness. Or I can enjoy a meal that I cook and a movie afterwards and go to bed feeling quite content.
The feelings are all strong and at different ends of the spectrum. I find myself wondering if it will always be like this. I suspect that it will – I don’t want the memories of Bob to go away. I wonder what it is that I do want. And as I write that I know that the secret is to want what I have and to trust that all that is good and right for me is here and on the way. I just need to remember to say thank you – for the bad feelings because they are only bad because there was lots of love, and for the good feelings because they are for my new life emerging. Like I said, this grief stuff is weird.