This grief stuff is weird.  I’ve just passed the 17 month point since Bob died and usually life is easier.  I have lots of days that have lots of joy in them; and lots that have lots of tears.  And it is so inconsistent.

I am enjoying writing and teaching Qigong classes in my new life.  I feel as if I am on the cusp of a new pattern of living.  I can’t quite see it, but I have fleeting glimpses of it and it is quite pleasing.  And then I worry if that is being disloyal.  And then I think, of course, not!  I sometimes feel like a ping pong ball!

Every so often I have to deal with pictures of Bob – actual photos or pictures in my head.  Pictures are around my rooms and on my computer and they usually simply elicit a smile from me – a comfort that he is near.  But then, Wham! I “see” Bob lying on the porch after he died.  That always stops me.  It is so hard to believe that this all has really happened.  Or I can be reading or working on the computer and I see his picture and I just stop – the same feeling – has it really been 17 months since I have seen you or touched you?

At other times I can come home from teaching Qigong and writing between classes at a local coffee shop and be greeted by the 2 1/2 year old with squeals of joy, and we go build a blanket fort.  The world feels full of happiness.  Or I can enjoy a meal that I cook and a movie afterwards and go to bed feeling quite content.

The feelings are all strong and at different ends of the spectrum.  I find myself wondering if it will always be like this.  I suspect that it will – I don’t want the memories of Bob to go away.  I wonder what it is that I do want.  And as I write that I know that the secret is to want what I have and to trust that all that is good and right for me is here and on the way.  I just need to remember to say thank you – for the bad feelings because they are only bad because there was lots of love, and for the good feelings because they are for my new life emerging.  Like I said, this grief stuff is weird.